Living in Grace: Accepting the Unmerited Favor of God

Today is the day of new beginnings for me. And the reason is because I'm starting a new job. Actually, it's not new one, really. But it is the acceptance of a new phase of living that I hadn't planned on until a few weeks ago.

I'm the mom of a 4 year old son with an autism spectrum disorder. Daniel is the most precious of little boys but up until now he has struggled with verbal communication. In addition, he has a high-sensory need which may be considered unusual or a bit extreme in comparison with other children not on the spectrum. Up until last year, Daniel has been a lot like others his age except for a few minor physical delays (not using utensils to eat, still needing a sippy to drink, ackwardness in running and some physical activities) and his inability to speak for what he wants/needs. But as Daniel turned 4, the differences between him and others his age became a bit more noticable. Daniel is primarily nonverbal and only uses a few signs to communicate which is a lot different from most 4-year-olds who are completely verbal with a strong initial vocabulary. Daniel's main words are "eat", "doggie", "mama", "daddy", and lots of babblings that we as his parents still struggle to figure out what he wants. And the words he does use are not used consistently.

So why do I bring up Daniel and his autism? Because it has been in the last few months after I graduated from nursing school and got my first RN position that we realized that his daycare providers either didn't know how to work with/care for Daniel or were troubled when they realized that Daniel was "more different" than other kids his age which was, for some reason, a problem for them. As a result, we went through 4 different daycare providers in the span of 2 months. Not good!

What we realized after the last daycare provider quit after 2 weeks with the excuse of moving out of state that we realized that maybe God was trying to tell us something. After much prayer and consideration, we realized that God was telling me, Daniel's mom, to stay home during the week at least until he started all-day kindergarten in Fall 2015. We determined that if we were thrifty and modest in our lifestyle, we could make it work. We also planned that I would try to work PRN shifts (as needed shifts) at my present RN job on the weekends only. Fortunately all that worked out really well and all the arrangements for me to stay home went very smoothly...almost too smoothly. It was then that I realized that God's grace really was on us to go in this direction and He was blessing our decision regarding Daniel and my new "stay-at-home" status.

But here's where I developed a huge dilemma.

You see, as much as I like the idea of being a stay-at-home mom, there's a much more dominant part of my personality that really struggled with this decision.

Today, on Facebook, I wrote this post:

******************************************

It's just like God to know exactly how to grow us up. Ever since I was very young, I have been striving to "become" and "be" more. That part of my personality - one full of ambition, perfectionism, and striving - permeates every aspect of my life. Even my relationship with God...unfortunately. So it's wonderful that when I was 20 years old (a sophomore at SDSU) that God gave me my spiritual name - Charisiya(h). At the time I had no idea what it meant. I was sitting alone in a freezing car in a parking lot at the Hyper Center at State around midnight and I had no real knowledge of Greek or Hebrew at the time. Since then I've found out (from a dual theology and law student at Regent University), that "charis" means "grace, undeserved favor" and "yah" is Hebrew for God. So basically, my spiritual name means "the grace and undeserved favor of God."

It's interesting that God would give me that name...because it is SO DARN HARD for me to live by grace. I'm in the first day of my official time as full-time stay-at-home mom and PRN weekend nurse and I find myself trying to "figure out" the next step in my career and work life. Do I apply for school nursing positions, do I do additional PRN health fair RN jobs, do I take in two or three kids to watch during the week?

Do you know what God said to me? The audacity!

"Stop striving. I will promote you."

So, here I am. Wondering what the next step is and God says "stop." Um, I'm sure this would be easy for some people. Maybe, in fact, MOST people. For me, taking 10 minutes to not think about what to do next...what to ACHIEVE next...is like holding me hostage with a gun pointed at me.

SO, I'm taking a deep breathe. And I'm gonna learn how to breathe deeply, trust more, and stop striving. Lord, I understand why now that you gave me that spiritual name so long ago. Help me to endeavor to trust You, and learn to truly understand what it means to receive Your UNMERITED favor!

******************************************* 

After writing that post this morning, I got into my car to do a few errands and CD teaching from Creflo Dollar was talking about "grace" and "identity." Wow, God, what are you trying to tell me? 

Why is grace so hard? 

I realized after listening to the CD and a little introspection that we as human beings all find grace a stumbling block. For some people, living in the grace of God can become an excuse to not achieve excellence or as an excuse to do what they want to do without accountability. I know those kinds of people...and they DRIVE ME CRAZY! They believe that grace is a "get out of jail free" Monopoly game card that they pull out when they've messed up or when they were too lazy, or too busy with their own priorities to do that right thing. Or they just wanted to do what their sinful nature directed them to do even though they knew what they were doing was sin. Um, yes, those people drive me up a wall. Understatement!

Why? Because I'm the exact opposite.

I'm the person who can't accept grace because I have to work out things from my own effort. It's the adage that "the early bird gets the worm"; the idea that being good and successful in this world is based on effort, a strong work ethic, and doing more than anyone else. The consummate perfectionist; the typical first-born. As quoted from an online article at Parents.com, firstborn children are the leaders of the pack who tend to be: 

• Reliable
• Conscientious
• Structured
• Cautious
• Controlling
• Achievers

"Firstborns bask in their parents' presence, which may explain why they sometimes act like mini-adults. Firstborns are diligent and want to be the best at everything they do. They excel at winning the hearts of their elders.  (http://www.parents.com/baby/development/social/birth-order-and-personality/).

Yep, that's totally me.

What was interesting is from listening more of the teaching CD on grace and identity is that we all struggle with grace. Either we cheapen it by depending on it as a reason to remain mediocre - "after all, I'm covered by grace" attitude. Or we don't accept grace because we feel like we either don't deserve grace or feel like somehow we have to earn it, paying for something that is suppose to be free.

So therein lies the dilemma. How do we live by grace when we, by our natures, either want to accept it too freely or we won't accept it at all?

And that's why we have grace available to us and need it that much more.

That's how imperfect we are as human beings.

I think also, that our attitude toward grace stems from the fact that we have been made in the image of God. After all, God is a triune being who is perfect. We, however, as a result of sin, are triune beings that are decidedly imperfect.

I think the inward part of us that acknowledges that we are made in God's image more often than not recognizes that fact to an extreme. We see ourselves as god (note the little g) and think we can make it on our own. Or we think that it really doesn't matter what we do since whatever we do is fine. We don't need to worry about when we sin because we are covered by Jesus. We can sin because we've got grace.

I think that living by grace is the ultimate thing that God asks us to do. But, here's the catch. In the "doing" of living by grace, we have to "stop doing."

So, how do we live by grace?

Well, I'm still trying to figure that out. I believe it's a delicate balance that I'm sure only God has the ability to measure. I've been a Christian for 35 years and for me it comes down to one word.

Trust.

And, well, that's the topic for the next blog entry. What is trust? How do we trust? Can we trust?

In a world where everything is falling apart and most everyone is showing themselves unworthy of our trust, how do we trust God to accept the grace so freely given to us?

Ponder that thought? I will too! We'll talk more later.

Stepping Out and Going Forward

Yesterday I did something I knew that I would do eventually but I thought it would be a lot more planned out. But God had other plans and He knew that I needed to share my story about Heaven yesterday. And, in spite of doing it all very impromptu in my eyes, in God's eyes I believe that He had something very special planned.

Now, I'm not sure who all read my three posts yesterday but I do know of a handful of people who responded to me on Facebook. One of those people was a friend of mine from Michigan who I hadn't really talked to (except for occasion FB posts) since 2006. Her name is Sandra and we met at a very pivotal point in my life where I had just broken up with Dave (before we got married). I had moved to Michigan to work for a book publisher and try to get my life figured out as a single woman again. During my first visit to a church in Grand Rapids, I met her at the welcome/info table and we immediately became fast friends. We started a weekly Bible study at my apartment with another single girlfriend and shared our hopes, dreams, disappointments, and desires. But mostly we grew in our relationship with God. Sandra helped me keep my sanity when I went through the roller coaster ride of dating someone else only to get engaged to Dave about six weeks later (yep, it was a CRAZY time!)

So yesterday, Sandra came back into my life and I believe it was the strategic plan of God that prompted her to reach out to me after reading my blog posts. She had some critical decisions to make and God used me to speak out to her things she needed know as she went through this transition time. But I also believe God brought Sandra back into my life for me. He revealed to me something through her that I needed to accept about myself, celebrate that information (not hide from it which is what I've been doing), and move on in the great things that God has for me as well.

I won't go more into what happened yesterday with Sandra or me. Maybe God will release me to talk about it more in future posts. But I do need to say that I absolutely believe God has a good plan for our lives...and that plan involves people who come into and out of our lives for specific reasons and sometimes specific seasons. But for the record, I believe the season of Sandra not being a significant part of my life is over. I think He means to restore a friendship for the strengthening and edification of both of us for whatever future He has for us. And things like this blog, Facebook, and smart phones make our ability to do that much easier these days. Thank you God for using technology to see your purposes fulfilled. I can't wait to see what you have in store for both of us!

Visiting Heaven's Throne Room - Part 3

So what about my visit to Heaven? 

Well, that happened in 1991 just a few weeks before my 21^st birthday. I was 20 years old and home in Texas visiting my parents for the summer while on summer break from SDSU. Let me explain what had happened in my life a bit during that time first.

My initial two years at SDSU had proven to be a huge time of spiritual growth for me. I had gotten involved with the most incredible group of people through InterVarsity Christian Fellowship at State as well as a wonderful church home at Holy Life Tabernacle. During my first year at State, I had decided to get water baptized as an adult even though I had been christened as a baby. I wanted to declare my own testimony of salvation which had occurred when I was 8 years old at a vacation Bible school. Coincidentially (or not!), Dave DeWispelaere also got baptized in the indoor pool at the Staurolite Hotel in Brookings, South Dakota by Holy Life’s pastor Dave Kaufman. Yes, I do think that it’s cool that my husband and I got baptized the very same day in the very same ceremony! ;-) Looking back at that, I just smile at what God must have been thinking while orchestrating that!

 That year I also experienced the Baptism of the Holy Spirit which completely turned my world upside down. I understood the Bible in ways I never knew I could. I learned to pray. I mean, REALLY pray! I grew spiritually and emotionally by leaps and bounds and I devoured everything I could about growing in relationship with Jesus. I was becoming what everyone called a Jesus freak and I didn’t care one little bit! 

My parents thought I had gone off the deep end or joined a cult or some other stupid thing. It took them awhile (okay, maybe a few years) but they realized it wasn’t a phase and eventually got used to me talking about Jesus, going to church and Bible study, and seeing the world a bit differently from everyone else they knew.  My parents are Lutheran by background and while they sent us kids to VBS in the summer, church was not a regular part of our growing up until my teenage years when my dad decided we should go again (and that’s a long, hairy story I won’t talk about here). I got “confirmed” in the Lutheran church at 16. But all being said, I didn’t not come from a religious family so anyone talking about Jesus on a regular basis (except for taking the name in vain, of course) was considered a bit weird. 

During my second year at State, I got reconnected with an old boyfriend who was in the Navy at the time. He was someone I had met in high school and fell deeply in love with. He was my high school sweetheart. When I moved to South Dakota to live and attend State, I had lost touch with him. But our reconnection brought back everything and we started “dating” again long distance while he was stationed in Japan. 

Our relationship was completely by mail and tape (yes, I said tape…those old cassette tapes…please don’t remind me how old I really am – still in denial!). I was head-over-heels in love with him again and he declared to me in his letters and tapes that he couldn’t wait until he came home from overseas so we could get married and start our life together. It was a wonderful time of feeling in love again which I hadn’t experienced since I started college…and I guess I really needed it at the time. As a result, I completely ignored all the “checks” in my spirit (the Holy Spirit prompting me) to stop the boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. But I didn’t. I was sucked in and I didn’t want to let the relationship go.

It goes to show that God really does know what’s going on and really will tell us to stop something when He knows it’s not good for us. But, you know, WE have to listen. And well, I didn’t. Yes, I know!  Call everyone you know and let them know Angela messed up big time…because I did! Without going into details about my relationship with this guy (I’ll save it for the book that I’ll write someday), I’ll just say that God really was trying to save my heart by telling me to call it off. But I didn’t. But God’s grace is amazing…and that’s what led to my brief journey to Heaven.

I found out some news about my boyfriend just before Spring break during my sophomore year at State that shook my heart and devastated my world. At the same time, I found out that my boyfriend was being discharged from the Navy and would be back in Texas when I returned to work and visit my parents over the summer. My final few weeks at State were horrific because the news about my boyfriend so devastated and humiliated me that I just felt like I couldn’t share it with anyone. I was dying inside. It was a slow emotional death and I had no one to turn to who really understood what I was going through. When I returned to Texas at the end of May after InterVarsity chapter camp in Colorado, I found myself hurt, alone, and feeling like I must have really disappointed God for ignoring his promptings. 

I saw my ex-boyfriend a few times right after I returned to Texas. And it was horrible! The circumstances surrounding those encounters with him threw me into a depression. But for the sake of my family and friends, I did a lot of great acting and put on a smile and tried to move on. One night, in late June of 1991, I broke. Certain circumstances kept reminding me about my ex-boyfriend’s betrayal and I felt like I had descended into a deep pit of despair that I couldn’t see my way out of. I was alone. There was no one that I could share my heart with, no one who would understand. So I called out to Jesus to take me home. It was the most desperate and sincere prayer I’ve ever prayed in my life. 

“Jesus, I don’t want to be here anymore. I just want to come home.”

That prayer was answered that night. 

It was 10:10 p.m. 

I was lying in my bedroom in my parent’s home in Burleson. I was crying. And I continued my prayer in quiet whispers, “Lord Jesus, just take me home. Just take me home.”

In the corner, out of the shadows of my room I saw Jesus walk to the foot of my bed as I felt my spirit leave my body. I had been laying face down on my pillow but instantly I was out of my body and looking at Jesus. 

The few people I’ve told ask me what Jesus looked like. For me, the closest representation has been reproductions by Ray Downing who used computer analysis to recreate the face of Jesus from the Shroud of Turin. The two pictures that most look like him to me are the “Jesus Wept” and “I am the Way” pictures that he’s made available on his website. I’ll post them here and give you a link if you want. Also, Colton Burpo’s image from the Prince of Peace by Akiane is fairly close too – the facial expression is more exact but the hair is different there from what I remember. But honestly, to tell you the truth, I didn’t stand there and analyze Jesus and what he looked like. I just knew it was him. He was my best friend. And in that moment, my only friend that knew what I was going through. And he was there with me.

I turned around to look at my body after that. Jesus came behind me and put his hand on my shoulder. In that moment, we were no longer in my bedroom. We were instantly (I mean nanoseconds here!) in the throneroom of Heaven.

The colors were brilliant and overwhelmingly clear and crisp. I could see the base of the throne of God and a river flowing underneath and out from the throne. In that moment, I felt the Father God’s presence and I closed my eyes, raised my hands, and started to sing a song that I’ve only sung at that very moment. It was completely unprompted and heartfelt and original…not a song I’ve heard or ever sung again this side of Heaven. I wrote the lyrics in my journal that night after I returned. For now, I will keep that to myself. It was my own heartfelt praise to God and I feel He deserves to have that himself. I don’t want to share that right now.

In the moment I started singing the song, I felt what I described to others as liquid love flowing on top of me and through me. I knew the liquid love was from the river flowing from God’s throne but it felt to me that it was coming directly from Father God himself. In that moment, I felt complete Love. There’s no other way to describe it. Soon I felt covered from the liquid love and I felt enraptured in God’s love and I felt it pouring back out from me toward God in my worship toward Him.

And then I felt a pulling. And I felt Jesus’ presence from my side disappear.

I felt my spirit descend into my body. And I opened my eyes as I was singing the same song that I was worship God with in Heaven. I looked at the alarm clock on my nightstand. It was 10:20 p.m. I was gone for 10 minutes.

That night I wrote the lyrics in my journal. And I felt restored and alive in a way that I’ve never felt before. Those 10 minutes changed me…forever.

When I shared this experience with my husband Dave a few weeks ago, I told him one of the most significant things I remember from being in Heaven was the “feeling” of not having sin. Yes, I mean that I felt an absence of sin. I haven’t felt that before or since that experience. To this day, the feeling of liquid love along with the experience of sinlessness was THE MOST REAL thing I’ve experienced in my existence. There is nothing more significant or powerful as the combination of feeling completely loved and completely free.

It took me nine years of marriage to tell Dave my experience. It’s been 22 years since it happened but I can recall those moments as if they just happened this morning. 

I don’t know why I’m sharing it now. Maybe it’s because I’ve found courage from a little boy would didn’t have the filters to know to hide what he experienced from others. 

Or maybe it’s just the right time for me to start talking about these things. Only God knows who will find these words and how it will affect them. 

I’ve just described three events that I had in my life in regards to seeing and experiencing the spiritual realm. The truth is, I started experiencing things of this nature when I was 18 years old. This was only three events out of countless others. Many of them are not as pleasant but just as real and significant to my growth as a spirit and as a human being. Maybe I’ll share those experiences at another time. 

But I don’t want to leave you without some additional words. I don’t know why God answered that prayer or allowed me to experience some of the events that I’ve experienced. I know that God does not play favorites. But I do know that maybe God entrusts certain things to certain people knowing that in His time, they would become a part of His eternal plan. My prayer today is that my testimony today would open up your heart to experience Jesus. Maybe you’ve never even wanted to experience a relationship with Jesus. Or maybe you’ve walked with him your entire life (like my husband) and wonder why experiences like this don’t happen to you. I don’t currently have enough revelation from God to answer questions like that. But I do know that God’s desire is for all of us to come to a saving knowledge of Him and to learn to walk with Him, grow with Him, and experience His victory in our lives. I hope these words will encourage you to experience more of Jesus through His Word. Start by reading the New Testament…or even watching a video on Jesus. I’ll place some of my favorite recommendations in my resources below. 

For now, I leave you with these thoughts. 

God knows you and loves you which is why He sent Jesus. Call upon Him. He will listen because He seeks after you and desires a relationship with you. He will change your life. He changed my life…and continues to do so every single day.

12'Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. 13You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart. 14'I will be found by you,' declares the LORD. – Jeremiah 29:12-13.

RESOURCES:

• The Visual Bible - Matthew (available as a DVD from Amazon.com http://www.amazon.com/The-Visual-Bible-Gerrit-Schoonhoven/dp/B0002UBX54/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1397410943&sr=8-1&keywords=matthew+dvd+visual+bible 
• The Real Face of Jesus (also available as a DVD from History Channel and Amazon.com http://www.amazon.com/Real-Face-Jesus-Jonathan-Adams/dp/B005CXOGMS/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1397411038&sr=8-1&keywords=The+Real+Face+of+Jesus
• Experiencing God: How to Live the Full Adventure of Knowing and Doing the Will of God by Henry Blackaby and Claude King - Available from Amazon.com http://www.amazon.com/Experiencing-God-Adventure-Knowing-Doing/dp/0805401970/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1397411123&sr=8-2&keywords=experiencing+god+workbook

If you want more resources, email me. 

Visiting Heaven’s Throne Room - Part 2

My second near-death experience occurred a year later on April 1, 1998. The circumstances about this situation occurred over a long period of time. I have a condition called Factor V Leiden which is a congenital blood clotting condition that I didn’t know about at the time. I had been having significant hormonal issues that had been going on for over 10 years when I decided to go to the doctor. Unfortunately I chose to go to a doctor that did not know much about female problems or hormonal issues and just put me on birth control pills to “deal with” one of the symptoms I was experiencing at the time. Birth control pills, it just so happens, can be deadly to someone with Factor V Leiden. As a result of being on birth control pills for two months (with no resolution of my symptoms by the way), I developed a significant DVT (deep vein thrombosis/blood clot) in my left leg. After going to a new doctor at a different hospital in Fort Worth, I was told I had pulled a muscle in my leg. Over the course of two more weeks, my leg blew up like a balloon (3x its original size). After going back to the doctor, they performed an ultrasound, confirmed massive blood clots in my leg and I was admitted to the first long two week stay in the hospital. This was when I called my mother with my non-April Fool’s joke about being admitted to the hospital. 

Unbeknownst to me, I had suffered a PE (pulmonary embolism ) about 3 days before that, according to my doctor, that should have killed me. While working at my job in Arlington as an Marketing Account Manager, I had suddenly experienced a moment of severe pain in my chest where I had the very clear feeling that my heart stopped (like 5 seconds…very short) followed by a two-minute period where I felt like I couldn’t breathe. The moment passed just as quickly as it happened. I didn’t feel very well for the rest of the day but I still went to the gym (yes, I went to work out!) and got short of breathe while doing water aerobics and doing 20 minutes on the elliptical. I decided to go home early.  I made the appointment to see my doctor the next morning for April 1^st. 

My near death experience didn’t happen until April 1^st when I was confined to my hospital bed. I wasn’t allowed to get up for fear that the blood clot in my leg would break loose and go through my heart and into my lung causing my death. What we didn’t know at the time was that had already happened! I was technically feeling fine that night but I had significant fear come upon me that night that forces in the spiritual realm wanted my death (and these were not friendly forces, people!). People get weird when you start using words like demons or demonic spirits, or demonic angels. But, well, that’s what they were! But in the midst of that fear and overwhelming sense of demonic oppression, Jesus came to me for the 2^nd time in my life. He appeared in the corner of my hospital room and told me that I would not die and that I was anointed to speak and teach His Word.” That was it. He was gone. Over the next two weeks, we discovered the PE. The doctor told my mom that he thought that the reason I clotted was because I had cancer which caused huge fear in my mom. But I already knew that I didn’t have cancer. I just knew. Don’t ask me how. I didn’t find out until I was pregnant with Daniel, almost 12 years later, that the reason for my clotting was because of Factor V Leiden.

So what about my visit to Heaven? The story concludes with Part 3...

Visiting Heaven’s Throne Room - Part 1

Some people have asked about my visit to the throne room which I mentioned in a Facebook comment about the upcoming release of the movie “Heaven is for Real.” I want to say that I know after reading Todd Burpo’s book about Colton’s journey to Heaven to be real because so much of what he mentioned was so similar to what happened to me during my visit to Heaven. I do want to say for good measure that my visit to Heaven’s throne room did not coincide with what people would call a near death experience. Before I talk about my visit to Heaven’s throne room though, I will mention my actual near-death experiences. Some of you may know from previous Facebook postings that I had some medical problems in my late 20s. Both incidents stemmed from minor issues that became major health scares due to undiagnosed medical conditions. In and of themselves the medical issues were not that significant but became a perfect storm when combined with medications that interacted with my body in a way that could or should have easily caused death.

I have had two near death experiences that happened after my visit to Heaven, one when I was 26 when I went into anaphylaxis after a reaction to receiving sulfa antibiotic (which it turns out that I’m deathly allergic to) and a second time at 27 years old when I had a DVT and pulmonary embolism that resulted in a 3 week hospital stay and major surgery removing a blood clot from my lung.

In the first near-death experience at 26 years old, I saw my dear uncle Ronnie Olson who passed on before I was born. Ronnie at the time would have been one of the few significant family members to pass on before me. Ronnie was my maternal grandparent’s first born son. He died at the age of 18, just shy of his 19^th birthday from leukemia. Ronnie stood before me in my parent’s living room (Barb and Don McKinney’s home in Burleson, Texas) while I laid on the couch struggling to breathe. Ronnie stood before me and said “You have to stay.” He paused, and then he added “Tell Mom and Dad that I love them and I will see them soon.” Then he was gone. About an hour later, my mother rushed me to the ER where I was given injections of epinephrine to stop the anaphylaxis reaction from the sulfa. I was back at my parent’s home later that morning. I only told my grandparents about Ronnie. It seemed to me that the message was for them so they were the only people I told. Many years later I mentioned this to my best friend Bobbi Brink and my husband Dave. This posting is probably the first that my mom, dad, brothers, or other family members know about this incident. 

The story continues with Part 2...