I'm the mom of a 4 year old son with an autism spectrum disorder. Daniel is the most precious of little boys but up until now he has struggled with verbal communication. In addition, he has a high-sensory need which may be considered unusual or a bit extreme in comparison with other children not on the spectrum. Up until last year, Daniel has been a lot like others his age except for a few minor physical delays (not using utensils to eat, still needing a sippy to drink, ackwardness in running and some physical activities) and his inability to speak for what he wants/needs. But as Daniel turned 4, the differences between him and others his age became a bit more noticable. Daniel is primarily nonverbal and only uses a few signs to communicate which is a lot different from most 4-year-olds who are completely verbal with a strong initial vocabulary. Daniel's main words are "eat", "doggie", "mama", "daddy", and lots of babblings that we as his parents still struggle to figure out what he wants. And the words he does use are not used consistently.
So why do I bring up Daniel and his autism? Because it has been in the last few months after I graduated from nursing school and got my first RN position that we realized that his daycare providers either didn't know how to work with/care for Daniel or were troubled when they realized that Daniel was "more different" than other kids his age which was, for some reason, a problem for them. As a result, we went through 4 different daycare providers in the span of 2 months. Not good!
What we realized after the last daycare provider quit after 2 weeks with the excuse of moving out of state that we realized that maybe God was trying to tell us something. After much prayer and consideration, we realized that God was telling me, Daniel's mom, to stay home during the week at least until he started all-day kindergarten in Fall 2015. We determined that if we were thrifty and modest in our lifestyle, we could make it work. We also planned that I would try to work PRN shifts (as needed shifts) at my present RN job on the weekends only. Fortunately all that worked out really well and all the arrangements for me to stay home went very smoothly...almost too smoothly. It was then that I realized that God's grace really was on us to go in this direction and He was blessing our decision regarding Daniel and my new "stay-at-home" status.
But here's where I developed a huge dilemma.
You see, as much as I like the idea of being a stay-at-home mom, there's a much more dominant part of my personality that really struggled with this decision.
Today, on Facebook, I wrote this post:
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It's just like God to know exactly how to grow us up. Ever since I was very young, I have been striving to "become" and "be" more. That part of my personality - one full of ambition, perfectionism, and striving - permeates every aspect of my life. Even my relationship with God...unfortunately. So it's wonderful that when I was 20 years old (a sophomore at SDSU) that God gave me my spiritual name - Charisiya(h). At the time I had no idea what it meant. I was sitting alone in a freezing car in a parking lot at the Hyper Center at State around midnight and I had no real knowledge of Greek or Hebrew at the time. Since then I've found out (from a dual theology and law student at Regent University), that "charis" means "grace, undeserved favor" and "yah" is Hebrew for God. So basically, my spiritual name means "the grace and undeserved favor of God."
It's interesting that God would give me that name...because it is SO DARN HARD for me to live by grace. I'm in the first day of my official time as full-time stay-at-home mom and PRN weekend nurse and I find myself trying to "figure out" the next step in my career and work life. Do I apply for school nursing positions, do I do additional PRN health fair RN jobs, do I take in two or three kids to watch during the week?
Do you know what God said to me? The audacity!
"Stop striving. I will promote you."
So, here I am. Wondering what the next step is and God says "stop." Um, I'm sure this would be easy for some people. Maybe, in fact, MOST people. For me, taking 10 minutes to not think about what to do next...what to ACHIEVE next...is like holding me hostage with a gun pointed at me.
SO, I'm taking a deep breathe. And I'm gonna learn how to breathe deeply, trust more, and stop striving. Lord, I understand why now that you gave me that spiritual name so long ago. Help me to endeavor to trust You, and learn to truly understand what it means to receive Your UNMERITED favor!
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After writing that post this morning, I got into my car to do a few errands and CD teaching from Creflo Dollar was talking about "grace" and "identity." Wow, God, what are you trying to tell me?
Why is grace so hard?
I realized after listening to the CD and a little introspection that we as human beings all find grace a stumbling block. For some people, living in the grace of God can become an excuse to not achieve excellence or as an excuse to do what they want to do without accountability. I know those kinds of people...and they DRIVE ME CRAZY! They believe that grace is a "get out of jail free" Monopoly game card that they pull out when they've messed up or when they were too lazy, or too busy with their own priorities to do that right thing. Or they just wanted to do what their sinful nature directed them to do even though they knew what they were doing was sin. Um, yes, those people drive me up a wall. Understatement!
Why? Because I'm the exact opposite.
I'm the person who can't accept grace because I have to work out things from my own effort. It's the adage that "the early bird gets the worm"; the idea that being good and successful in this world is based on effort, a strong work ethic, and doing more than anyone else. The consummate perfectionist; the typical first-born. As quoted from an online article at Parents.com, firstborn children are the leaders of the pack who tend to be:
- Reliable
- Conscientious
- Structured
- Cautious
- Controlling
- Achievers
Yep, that's totally me.
What was interesting is from listening more of the teaching CD on grace and identity is that we all struggle with grace. Either we cheapen it by depending on it as a reason to remain mediocre - "after all, I'm covered by grace" attitude. Or we don't accept grace because we feel like we either don't deserve grace or feel like somehow we have to earn it, paying for something that is suppose to be free.
So therein lies the dilemma. How do we live by grace when we, by our natures, either want to accept it too freely or we won't accept it at all?
And that's why we have grace available to us and need it that much more.
That's how imperfect we are as human beings.
I think also, that our attitude toward grace stems from the fact that we have been made in the image of God. After all, God is a triune being who is perfect. We, however, as a result of sin, are triune beings that are decidedly imperfect.
I think the inward part of us that acknowledges that we are made in God's image more often than not recognizes that fact to an extreme. We see ourselves as god (note the little g) and think we can make it on our own. Or we think that it really doesn't matter what we do since whatever we do is fine. We don't need to worry about when we sin because we are covered by Jesus. We can sin because we've got grace.
I think that living by grace is the ultimate thing that God asks us to do. But, here's the catch. In the "doing" of living by grace, we have to "stop doing."
So, how do we live by grace?
Well, I'm still trying to figure that out. I believe it's a delicate balance that I'm sure only God has the ability to measure. I've been a Christian for 35 years and for me it comes down to one word.
Trust.
And, well, that's the topic for the next blog entry. What is trust? How do we trust? Can we trust?
In a world where everything is falling apart and most everyone is showing themselves unworthy of our trust, how do we trust God to accept the grace so freely given to us?
Ponder that thought? I will too! We'll talk more later.
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